Guideposts for Millennial Leaders: Own When You Get It Wrong; Then, Make It Right

Some of the worst advice I’ve ever received in my career is how to deliver the non-apology apology. This sounds like: “I’m sorry if you felt bad,” or “I’m sorry if a delay on my end caused an inconvenience.” The people who gave me this advice believed a genuine, specific apology conveyed weakness, meant giving up power, and admitting fault. One thing about this is correct: you must admit you were at fault. But the rest is totally wrong. If you realize you’ve gotten something wrong, the best way to show strength, boost your power, and garner respect is by completing a process of repentance.

Now, if you’re like me, the word “repentance” carries some religious baggage that makes me feel conflicted at best. However, I recently encountered Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s framework for repentance based on the teachings of 12th century philosopher, Maimonides. Before we translated it to “repentance,” Maimonides’s word was teshuvah, which means “return.” So, as Rabbi Ruttenberg explains, we can think of repentance as a return to our integrity, our values, our best version of ourselves. As most of you have probably learned by now, Rabbi Ruttenberg had me at “integrity.”

In Ruttenberg’s model, the first step is confession or “owning your stuff.” This means acknowledging what you did, understanding why it's a problem, and owning up to the harm you've caused. Ideally, you own up publicly in front of everyone who witnessed your wrongdoing. So, if you severely disparage someone during a meeting at work, you own up to that error in front of everyone in attendance at that meeting. It’s both a confession and an acknowledgement that your harm impacted others beyond the target of your disparaging remarks. It also has the effect of relieving your target of any responsibility for what happened to them. You’re saying, “This behavior is on me.”

The next step is changing your behavior. If you confess but then continue to harm others in the same way, the confession itself is drained of all sincerity. So, if you apologize to everyone in that meeting for your disparaging remarks but then continue to make disparaging remarks and just keep apologizing, your words are empty because they are not backed by action. Step two is figuring out what is going to help you actually make a change to eliminate the behavior. Do you need time off? Do you need therapy? Do you need to change your environment? Do you need sensitivity or anger management training? Reflect on where this behavior is coming from and identify the support or resource you need to change it. 

Third, you have to make restitution. This is the first step where you actually engage the person you’ve harmed because they are the best judge of what appropriate amends are for your actions. You ask how you can make it up to them. In the example we’ve been using, you may step away from leading that project, make a commitment to mentor a member of the person’s team, or complete a leadership training they’ve recommended. This step brings you back to your integrity and also transforms your understanding of the harm you’ve caused. Only after you’ve completed this step are you ready for step four: the apology.

You might be thinking, “I thought we apologized in step one, didn’t we?” Actually, we confessed in step one. We owned what we did. But as we learned in steps two and three, the work of owning and transforming your harm is what gives weight and sincerity to your eventual apology. When you’re ready to apologize, you are returning to the person you’ve harmed as a new person who has returned to their integrity and improved themselves. Now, when you say you’re sorry, the recipient of the apology not only hears the words they want to hear, they see the change in you. This is the point at which you’ve made things right and can move forward together.

Now, not every wrongdoing necessitates a deep dive into these steps. The process of repenting for a minor infraction may only take a matter of hours where you own your actions in the first few minutes, reflect for a couple of hours and decide how you’ll change, ask the person you’ve harmed how you can make it right, and then make it right and apologize sincerely the next day. For bigger infractions, the steps take longer, the consequences you own are more severe, and your investment in making it right will be significant. In either case, making your way through the full repentance process is necessary for sustained, healthy leadership, cultures, and organizations.

Podcast Recommendation: We Can Do Hard Things Episode 164: How to Make Wrongs Right with Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg